


To the Land of Oblivion

by chanel775512



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abstinence, Addiction, Affection, Aged-Up Character(s), Alcohol, Angst, Best Friends, Blood, Caretaking, Crying, Depression, Disappointment, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Family Issues, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Geographical Isolation, Heavy Angst, Insomnia, Intimacy, Isolation, Loss of Trust, Love Confessions, M/M, Nightmares, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Nosebleed, Recovery, References to Depression, Rehabilitation, Slow Burn, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Trust Issues, Whump, Withdrawal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:14:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29966931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chanel775512/pseuds/chanel775512
Summary: "I think it's just work, you know..." he sighed and remained silent for a few seconds. "It's been a while since I last saw you guys. I missed that."Sawamura's breath halted under the next smile Sugawara gave him. His eyes were glowing and tear-rimmed, so exhausted and so empty and yet so sincere and sweet. He was ready for a sob, legs tensed up and prepared to step forward when it came, but it never did. Sugawara just looked down again and shook his head, chuckling lightly.***During dinner with his old high school friends, Sawamura notices Sugawara is acting weird. The latter guarantees his tiredness and overall sickly appearance are just a result of stress and overworking —a lie, the others would soon realize.
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

"I'm telling you, man. They're the best in town. Can't get much better for that price" Tanaka pointed back at Asahi as he walked towards the entrance. He opened the door and smiled wide. "Suga!"

"Hey!" the other greeted, eyes closed and arms wrapped tightly around his friend. "Sorry I'm late. I brought you this!"

He handed Tanaka a sake bottle.

"Fancy stuff. Thanks!" he grinned at it. "And don't worry, Kiyoko didn't let us eat anything before you arrived" he pouted at his wife, who rolled her eyes and gently embraced the new guest.

"Sometimes it feels like I live with a child" she sighed, but couldn't help a shy smirk when Tanaka kissed her cheek. "Come on in, Suga."

Sawamura stood up to greet his friend, the large smile on his face slowly fading away as he watched Azumane nearly lift Sugawara off the ground with one of his bear hugs. He was different. It hadn't been that long since they last saw each other, maybe a bit over a month at most, and yet he somehow seemed to have lost weight. His skin, too, while always pale, now seemed ashen. Azumane let go of him and he turned to Sawamura, eyes sunken and surrounded by red and purple, and yet still glowing that characteristic enthusiasm.

"Anything wrong?" Sugawara raised an eyebrow almost teasingly, but still took half a step back.

Sawamura shook his head and rebuilt his smile, then brought him close.

"It's been a while, huh?" his voice sounded muffled against the shorter man's shoulder.

"Yeah..." he was barely audible. "I've misse..."

"Oi, let's eat before it gets cold!" Tanaka called for his friends. "Asahi brought... a pumpkin? What's this again, dude?"

"It's a Brazilian dish, it's called 'camarão na moranga', it's shrimp and..."

"Say that again" Tanaka grinned.

"Ca-ma-rão-na-mo-ran-g..." he stopped. "You're mocking me!"

"Nah, nah..." he tried to hold back on his laughter. "It's just that I feel like you've offended every Portuguese speaker ever."

As Azumane tried to explain it had been his coworker who taught him the name and recipe, Kiyoko, Sugawara and Sawamura exchanged looks and chuckled just behind them. The latter shook his head, nostalgia warming his heart.

"Speaking of Brazil" Sugawara began as he sat down. _Always the diplomat_. "Are you guys going to Hinata's party?"

"I have to see if I'm free from work..." Azumane rubbed his temples.

"The guy's been across the globe for months, c'mon, you have to come!" Tanaka jokingly slapped the taller's arm.

They thanked for the food and began to dig into the variety of steaming dishes all across the dining table. Kiyoko was an amazing cook and had prepared most of them with her fiancé, who was clueless when it came to cooking but still wanted to help in any way he could. Sawamura and Asahi had also brought complementary servings, and on top of that there was Sugawara's sake —which, by the way, was the only thing he seemed to be actually interested in.

"Suga, you good? Kiyoko did this spicy thing just for you" Tanaka pointed towards the spicy tofu. "If I have to eat those leftovers you're paying for my heartburn medicine, 'kay?"

"Sorry, Kiyoko, I'm sure it's great" Sugawara chuckled lightly. "I'm just not that hungry."

"Try some of Asahi's shrimp camarananao thing."

"Ca-ma-rão" the other corrected.

"Yeah, that. It's actually pretty good."

"Thanks, I'm sure it is, I'm just really really not f... Oh, shit." Sugawara covered his nose. "I'm so sorry, I'll be right back."

He got up, moving his other hand to contain the blood already dripping down his fingers, and rushed into the bathroom. Sawamura followed him with his eyes, then exchanged looks with Azumane, whose face was petrified with concern. Tanaka's chin had dropped slightly and Kiyoko swallowed dry as she squeezed her fiancé's shoulder.

"Must be the weather" she muttered. "You also get bloody noses when it gets too hot."

"Y-yeah..." Tanaka stared back at his plate. He resumed speaking, his voice nearly dying out by the end. "But Suga generally isn't looking all that great, don't you guys think?"

"I'll be right back" Sawamura stood up and turned around on the tiny hallway leading to the bathroom. He knocked on the door softly and opened it just enough to be heard. "Suga?"

"O-oh, hey, Daichi!" he said in a forced cheerful tone, head leaning backwards as he pressed a bloody piece of toilet paper against his nostril. "I'm fine, I'll be right back..."

"You're doing it wrong" he sighed. "C'mon, let me help you out."

He pulled another piece of paper and guided his friend towards the sink, proceeding to move the other's wrist away from his face. With the lack of pressure, a few red droplets fell on the porcelain. Sawamura was quick to press the clean toilet paper against his nose and used his other hand to keep Sugawara's face in place, tilted slightly downward.

"This way, the blood doesn't go down your throat" he explained. "Four younger siblings, this is the kind of stuff you have to know..."

Sugawara chuckled, his cheek moving gently against Sawamura's palm.

"Did you hurt your nose or something? It's taking a while to stop" he murmured after lifting his hand for a few seconds, which allowed a stronger crimson stream to splash on the sink and down Sugawara's cupid's bow.

"Nah, maybe it's just allergies or something. My new detergent makes me sneeze" he looked ahead, staring at his own reflection in the mirror. "Daichi, I can hold it now, thanks."

"It's better if I keep the pressure constant. Just a few seconds left" he watched the other closely. "This doesn't hurt, right?"

"No, no" Sugawara shook his head by habit, barely able to move it with Sawamura's grip. "It's fine."

"This should be enough" he removed some of the pressure, sighing in relief when nothing came out of the other's nostril. "Yeah, you're good."

The silver-haired man's nose was a mess, but at least the bleeding had stopped. He carefully washed the blood away from his face and fingers while Sawamura threw the red-stained piece of paper away. The taller then washed his hands as well.

"Thanks, Daichi" he looked at him and smiled. "I can be so stupid sometimes, fuck..."

There was a hint of sadness in his tone. Sawamura took a step closer and rested a hand his shoulder.

"Don't say that. Most people don't know how to handle nosebleeds properly... Took me a few toddlers kicking volleyballs against each other to figure it out."

Sugawara laughed, laughed like he always did, with his eyes closed and cheeks popping out like those of a child. Sawamura's chest warmed up.

"You know you can tell me if there's something wrong, right?"

"Wha..." Sugawara smiled with arched brows, turning to face him. "Where did that come from?"

"Suga, you look kinda tired. And you weren't eating, and now your nose and..." he pressed his lips, taking a few seconds to ponder his next words. "I'm just a bit worried."

Sugawara's expression softened. He looked down at his wet hands and began to dry them up.

"I think it's just work, you know..." he sighed and remained silent for a few seconds. "It's been a while since I last saw you guys. I missed that."

Sawamura's breath halted under the next smile Sugawara gave him. His eyes were glowing and tear-rimmed, so exhausted and so empty and yet so sincere and sweet. He was ready for a sob, legs tensed up and prepared to step forward when it came, but it never did. Sugawara just looked down again and shook his head, chuckling lightly.

"Suga, are you ok?" Kiyoko knocked on the door. "We have cotton if you want."

"I'm fine!" he cleared his throat. "Thanks a lot, Daichi. Let's go back?"

"Y-yeah, let's go back..."


	2. Chapter 2

Hinata's party was exactly what was to be expected from him: loud, energetic and dizzily colorful. Sawamura had never been the biggest fan of parties, especially not those that made it hard to form a coherent thought through the beat in his skull, but that was his friend arriving after months abroad and he wouldn't miss it for anything.

"Daichi" Azumane touched his shoulder. They greeted each other with a quick hug and a pat on the back. "Looking for Hinata?"

"Yeah, where is he?"

The taller man gestured for him to follow through a crowd of familiar and strange faces. He spotted Tsukishima and Yamaguchi laughing in a corner, both seeming slightly intoxicated but still sober enough to maintain a heated discussion. Sawamura noticed the two of them had allowed their hair grow quite a bit since they last met, several months prior —Yamaguchi's being long enough to tie it in a loose bun that suited him surprisingly well. He tried to wave, but wasn't noticed.

"Asahi, where were y..." Nishinoya moved his eyes from Azumane to Sawamura and nearly jumped on him. "Daichi-san!"

"N-nishinoya" he chuckled, regaining his balance and hugging the shorter back, spiky hair mushed under his chin. "How are you?"

"Great! Even better now that you've arrived! Now I think everyone from Karasuno is here, Shouyou will be so happy..."

"Oh, is Suga here already, then?" he began, stopping when he felt a fond squeeze on his shoulder and a tuft of orange hair entered his field of vision. "Hinata!"

"Daichi-san!" the younger man hugged him so tightly he almost gasped for air. "I was worrying you wouldn't make it!"

"Of course I'd come! Damn, look at you" he chuckled, admiring how muscular and tanned the redhead had become.

"Hours under the sun at the beach" he giggled.

"That's how people get skin cancer" Kageyama popped up behind them.

"Shut up, idiot, I told you already I wore sunscreen all the time! You're just jealous I looked sun-kissed and you look anemic."

Kageyama glared at him, but smiled when he noticed Sawamura. They hugged and exchanged a bit of friendly small talk before the duo resumed picking at each other.

"Gonna stand there all night, officer?" the voice came from behind. Sawamura smiled.

He rolled his eyes, turning around to hug Sugawara and then taking a few seconds to examine him; the silver-haired man was actually radiant, his posture and even his voice tone much different from the beaten version of the previous night, smiling eyes reflecting shades of purple, blue and red from the led lights above their heads.

"Come on, you have to see the others!" Sugawara grabbed his wrist and helped navigate through the dozens of people in the living room. Sawamura noticed his hand was warm, really warm, which was funny considering how he used to be known for his ice-cold hands. One of his greatest concerns during high school, he recalled, used to be dealing with stiff fingers before a match. "Have you seen Ennoshita? He got a tattoo- oh, wait, I don't know if I was supposed to tell you about it. Well just try to notice his left arm, ok? It's small because his parents can't find out so he must hide it, but it's awesome and Narita was the one who did the drawing and it turned out so cool..."

Sawamura laughed at the other's excitement. Maybe it was stupid of him to have worried. He let himself be guided to a big red couch by the window, where most of his former teammates were drinking and laughing together. Some of them even straightened up when they saw their once captain approach, but soon loosed up into warm hugs and pats on the back. Sugawara sat between him and Ennoshita, pointing at the mostly covered pattern of ink on the latter's skin with his head. It was impossible to tell what the drawing was from that angle and a t-shirt covering over half of it, but Sawamura's eyes still widened in surprise that the tattoo was real. He recalled Ennoshita's parents as pretty conservative and strict, and for that he didn't know whether to consider his decision brave or inconsequential. Sure, it was his body, but just thinking about how his own mother would react if he ever got a tattoo sent chills down his spine.

"Kinoshita, so keep going from where you stopped" Narita rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward, smirking at his friend.

"In front of a cop, come on now" Sugawara clapped, bursting into laughter.

"S-shut up" Sawamura elbowed him.

"You guys are so stupid" Kinoshita groaned. "I... I just... I... Daichi-san, you wouldn't arrest me, right?"

"Did you kill someone?"

"No, I just might have hacked my sister's ex-fiancé's printer... and like... terrorized him. Just a bit!"

"Details, Kinoshita, details!"

"I saw this guy doing it online, it's just like sending it print messages like 'throw me away' or 'I've gained consciousness'..."

"No fucking way the guy bought it" Ennoshita scoffed.

"I mean he did throw it away..." he stared at Sawamura. "Daichi-san, he cheated on my sister like three weeks before their engagement and even tried to ghost her, it was just a little prank I swear no one got harmed..."

"Well now the guy must be terrified of artificial inteligente, but that apart" Narita giggled and Kinoshita glared at him.

Sawamura rubbed his temples and exhaled, unable to hold back on a little chuckle. Sugawara grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him.

"Off duty, off duty. You heard nothing, ok?" he smiled until the other gave in and smiled back, eyes still half closed in disapproval. "That's it, loosen up a bit. Did you get something to drink, by the way?"

"Nah, not yet."

"Let's go, then. Hinata taught me this recipe, it's called 'caipirinha'. Ever heard of it?" he stood up, gesturing for the other to follow.

Sawamura shook his head. Sugawara smiled in anticipation.

"Then come try it, it's amazing!" he guided his friend to the mini bar, where Oikawa, Iwaizumi and Yahaba were chatting.

"Care to make us some as well?" Oikawa rested his elbows on the counter, smirking at Sugawara. "We didn't catch Hinata's explanation."

"Yes, you did" the silver-haired man scoffed. "I saw you making it just now."

Oikawa and Sugawara began a staring contest, both holding back on a smile that kept creeping out despite their efforts. Sawamura kept alternating his gaze between both of them, trying to recall whether the latter had ever mentioned being friends with the ex-captain of Seijoh.

"Ok, fine, but yours tasted better" he pouted. Iwaizumi rolled his eyes and slapped him on the arm.

"Let them be, Trashikawa. You're drunk enough. Plus, you were in Brazil too, how come yours tastes so awful?"

"Mean, Iwa-chan" Oikawa turned on the counter, resting his back against it.

Sugawara chuckled and began slicing a lime, cutting it into very thin slices and proceeding to place them carefully into a tall plastic glass.

"You smash the lime for too long, Oikawa. That makes it bitter."

"No, I don't" he protested, but only received pats on the back and 'yes you do's from his friends as an answer. After an exaggerated sigh and eyes rolling so far back he should have been able to see his own brain, Oikawa resumed talking to the other former Seijoh players, leaving the duo alone.

Sugawara quickly smashed the lemon slices, then added sugar to the mixture. He was about to pour alcohol into the mixture when a mischievous grin lit his features.

"Wanna try it first?" he asked, already pouring some into a shot glass.

"Sure..." Sawamura took the recipient with certain hesitation, watching the other closely for any sign of malice. He pressed his lips, swallowed, and took it all in a single gulp. "F-fuck."

He coughed a few times while Sugawara laughed so hard he had to clench his own stomach.

"It's called 'cachaça'. Pretty strong, eh?"

"I'm not drinking that" he cleared his throat, voice still hoarse.

"Yes, you are" Sugawara mixed the beverage and took a sip. "It's on point.Try it, come on."

Sawamura sighed and took a tiny sip from the glass. He pondered for a few seconds and took another one as his friend smirked and stuffed his chest with pride.

"It's good" he admitted. "Thanks."

They went back to the couch and were immersed once again in chaotic stories and confessions with their friends. Some others had joined them: a black-haired man Sawamura was pretty sure was named Goshiki and someone whose face was almost completely covered by blonde hair and a dark gray hoodie. _Kenma_ , he figured when Kuroo approached him and said something that made the former exhale tiredly, throw himself back in the couch and hide in the pillows

"Kuroo!" he waved.

"No fucking way" the other waved back and sat on the floor by Sawamura's place in the couch. "Dude, how are you?"

They chatted for a little while, Kuroo explaining to him how Kenma had agreed to come _literally_ only to see Shouyou. A tight hug and a few friendly exchanges latter, barely fifteen minutes into the party, the shorter was already grumpy and ready to leave. He couldn't go back without Kuroo because he'd lost his room keys, but something about the way how Kenma would glare at anyone who came too close or spoke loud near him led Sawamura to believe he was one bump away from leaving and waiting for his friend at the hotel reception.

"He had one of those" Kuroo pointed at his glass. "Stupid idea. They taste sweet and all and you're nearly passed out drunk before you notice. Kenma has low resistance too, it's just a recipe for disaster."

Sawamura chuckled and moved his beverage in circles for a bit, watching the smashed lemon go round and round at the bottom, little buds shiny at the surface.

"Gonna keep that in mind" he smiled, taking another sip. "If I throw up guess who I'm gonna blame."

He turned mockingly to Sugawara, expecting raised eyebrows and a loud scoff in return, but was met with him staring emptily ahead, tensed eyebrows over unfocused eyes and the tip of his thumb between his front teeth.

"Suga, are you ok?" he leaned towards him.

"U-um yeah, yeah... I just need a minute, ok?" he got up quickly and disappeared into the crowd before Sawamura could follow.

"Is... Is he ok?" Kuroo tilted his head.

"I don't know... I'll be right back, ok? Sorry."

Kuroo replied with something about Kenma, probably just saying he would go check on him before he puked all over the couch. Sawamura paced around the living room, dizziness increasing and his heartbeat louder and louder in his ears each time he sped through the same corner again with no sign of his beat friend. The bathroom was empty, no sign of him in the kitchen, maybe be should go check the bedroom...

"Daichi, you good?" Azumane grabbed him by the forearm. Nishinoya, Yachi and Hinata stood close behind him.

"Have you seen Suga? Any of you?"

"I think I saw him leave with that redhead guy... Tendou? Yeah, Tendou." Yachi took a shy step forward.

"Tendou?" Sawamura's frowned in confusion. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, pretty sure! 'Miracle boy', used to go to Shiratorizawa..."

He and Azumane exchanged looks.

"Does Suga even know that guy?" the latter squinted his eyes as he attempted to recall something that could explain such an odd pairing.

Sawamura rushed to the front door and scanned his surroundings. It was dark, but moonlight allowed his eyesight to stretch well further down the street. It was empty, completely empty. He could still taste the lingering taste of lemon on his lips, his fingertips cold from holding the glass. A tiny sugar crystal cracked under the pressure of his jaw clenching. The music was loud behind him, the wooden step cracked under his weight shifting from one leg to the other. He swallowed dry and turned back inside.


	3. Chapter 3

Sawamura finished his second soda with a big sip, still hoping the caffeine would do something about the fog in his mind: consequence of waiting for Sugawara's response to his and Azumane's invitation for lunch before going to sleep, unaware that it would only come hours later and already pushing sunrise. He had the day off and could to stay in bed until later than usual, but remained tired nonetheless.

Sugawara wasn't doing well. Both he and Azumane could tell, exchanging looks whenever the silver-haired man picked on his food for too long or allowed his gaze to wander off on his lap. He was doing well, however, when he arrived —smily and giggly and all those traits that would usually be associated with him slowly yet steadily giving place to a pained expression, restless fingers and fast, shallow breathing he tried to conceal.

"I need to use the restroom" he muttered and glanced at his friends. Sawamura held Sugawara's gaze for a bit too long, watching his anxiety increase to the point where it looked like he would cry.

He knew by then that he looked awful, knew they had seen him play with the food until it got cold and gross and knew the act was about to collapse. To him, it clearly was no longer a matter of _if_ but of _when_ they'd notice, and all he could do was desperately scan the other's faces for any gesture that would open the shift of their attitude towards him.

"I need to go, too" Sawamura finally said in a low, even tone.

Sugawara's eyes widened for a millisecond. He swallowed and inhaled sharply, then gave his best friend the most forced, miserable smile he had ever seen.

"Sure, Daichi. Let's go."

Azumane got up so Sugawara could slide across the green leather couch and stared at Sawamura, giving him a quick nod before sitting down again.

"I actually just need to wash my face" the shorter nearly whispered, looking down as they entered the restroom. "I'm feeling a little sick. I think I might have had a bit too much to drink yesterday..."

He forced a chuckle that came out more like a cough.

"Really? Me too" Sugawara frowned slightly at Sawamura's response, the latter standing on the sink next to him. Both turned the faucets on and splashed their faces with cold water. "You didn't seem too bad when you left, though. Did you and Tendou drink by yourselves after you left?"

"No, I told you already" he turned around to wipe his face, the trembling of his fingers reaching the paper edges. "He just needed my help with something."

"Yeah, you said that..." Sawamura pulled two sheets of paper and began to dry his own hands and face. Their first question once they had finally sat down to eat had naturally been about Sugawara's sudden exit and unexpected friendship with the former Shiratorizawa blocker. To their frustration, the silver-haired man was quick to brush it off, claiming to know Tendou through mutual friends, and then cutting the conversation short by attributing their departure to the redhead's personal, family-related issues. "Hey, Suga..."

Sugawara turned around fast, apprehension carved all over his features.

"What, Daichi?" he put his everything into one last smile.

He couldn't ask it there, not like that, when it would be so easy for Sugawara to deny and run away. He had a plan, or the draft of a plan, but it would have to do.

"Uh... I really need to tell you something. It's quite important, I would like you to know first..." he scratched the back of his neck and pressed his lips together.

"What is it? Are you okay?" Sugawara's eyes softened, and he took a step closer.

He felt a stab of guilt to his chest.

"Y-yeah, kind of..." silver eyebrows came together in concern. Sawamura looked away. "Look, I'd rather tell you about it somewhere else, ok? Would it be okay if we came back to my place?"

Sugawara froze. Fear ran down his face for only an instant, but for that fraction of a second it was so transparent Sawamura almost expected him to scream.

"Of course, Daichi" his voice cracked. He hid his hands behind his back.

And so they did. After saying goodbye to Azumane, both headed back to Sawamura's house, located just a couple of blocks away from the dining place. Sugawara was quiet, unusually so, and kept alternating his gaze between the floor and any sort of distraction that passed by them on the street — cars, people, a tiny bird and, at some point, his own shadow. He moved his fingers and watched the elongated shapes on concrete follow along. Sawamura watched in silence, hands shoved deep into his pockets.

_Please, let it not be what I think it is_.

"Please" he gestured for the other to come inside. Sugawara removed his shoes and walked rather hesitantly into the living room, knuckles red from picking on them.

"So..." he turned around, smiling even though he seemed on the verge of bursting into tears. Eyes red-rimmed, blue veins visible under thin and ashen skin, the edges of his hair blending with grayish sunlight as if he were seconds away from vanishing into thin air.

_Please, let it not be it._

"You see, Suga..." he scratched his head. "Maybe we should seat down. Do you want anything to drink?"

"Sure" he looked around and bit into his lower lip. "Actually, Daichi, I really need to use the bathroom..."

They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity. Sugawara could barely stop his face from contorting in pain.

"Sure, Suga" _let it not be it, please, let it not be it_. "You know where it is."

He nodded and turned around.

"Just..." Sugawara froze by the bathroom door, hand already reaching out for the knob. "Show me your pockets."


	4. Chapter 4

"What?" Sugawara asked, petrified.

"You heard me, Suga" Sawamura kept his voice low and steady. "Show me what's inside your pockets."

The silver-haired man turned around, eyes blown wide and lips slightly parted.

"D-Daichi" he chuckled shakily. "Why... Why are you asking me this?"

"Sugawara, do as I said."

The other's smile fell apart in an instant. He closed his mouth and swallowed, moving his hands into the front pockets of his jeans and pulling the fabric out. He did the same for the back pockets.

"See? There is nothing in them" he tried to force back the cheerful expression, his voice gradually becoming lower until it was a barely audible whisper.

Sawamura's stance didn't change. He sighed.

"Your jacket, too."

Sugawara's breathing stopped. He took a step back.

"Daichi, I really don't know what this is about, but you're scaring me, and I want to leave now" he glanced at the door and rushed in its direction.

Sawamura stepped forward and grabbed the other by his forearm, pulling him back. Sugawara tried to push him and ended up losing his balance, falling to the ground and bringing the taller along. He got to his knees and began to get up, already extending his arm to reach for the doorknob, only to be pulled back down and turned so he was laying flat on his chest under his friend.

"Let go of me! What the hell are you doing? You fucking creep, get the fuck off of me!" he yelled, fighting to free himself from the other's grip. "Daichi!"

Sawamura managed kept his balance on top of him as he removed his jacket, then stood up. He shoved his hands into the first pocket. Empty. He moved on to the next one and felt something plastic under his fingertips. Sugawara stood immobile across the living room while he pulled out two little bags filled with a white powder.

He let the jacket fall to the floor.

"I knew it" he mumbled. "I fucking knew it..."

"It's not what it looks like! It's not what you think it is!" he choked on a sob, tears streaming down his face.

"Then what is it?" Sugawara looked down. Rage sent chills across Sawamura's shoulders. "Huh? What is this, Suga?"

Sugawara did not answer. He kept looking down and sobbed louder, pulling at his own hair as his entire body trembled and knees threatened to fail. Sawamura felt a bitter taste in his mouth. He closed his fist around the plastic bags and walked towards the bathroom.

"W-wait!" Sugawara ran, pulling him by the shirt. "What are you gonna do? Daichi, stop, look at me! Please, stop!"

"Stay away from me..." he whispered, aware of how close he was to losing it and start yelling.

"Give them back, please! It's really not what you think! It's salt, it's for my low pressure, that's what it is!"

"Oh yeah?" he scoffed, eyes stinging and vision beginning to blur. "So you're crying and screaming for salt? I can give you salt, there's plenty in the kitchen. Take the whole fucking jar, ok?"

"Please, please, stop" Sugawara's hand gripped in between the other's legs. "I'll do whatever you want, whatever, whatever you want, just give it back to me."

They stared at each other for a painfully silent moment. Sawamura froze in place, his best friend's hand shaking against his pants, his eyes wide open, red and wet and desperate, terrified in a way he had never seen before.

"What is wrong with you..." his voice cracked. He pushed Sugawara back with enough strength for him to fall back, then threw the plastic bags into the toiled and flushed.

"What have you done?" he crawled to the toilet bowl and tried to shove his hand inside. Sawamura grabbed his arms and held them tight behind his back, pushing him to the floor. The silver-haired man cried, kicked and screamed under him, begging his friend to let him leave, to stay away.

"What have _you_ done?" Sawamura had to pause, surprised at the unsteadiness of his own voice. "Fuck, Suga, fuck!"

He exhaled a quivering breath and let his head drop while using his weight and hands to immobilize the other. Everything spun, he wanted to throw up. It couldn't be real, it couldn't. His best friend, the kindest person he knew, the one who never left his side and who he knew he could rely on from the first day they met —that was the person crying and yelling and nearly convulsing on sobs under him, nose bleeding again after he, by accident or else, slammed his own face against the floor.

"Stay still" Sawamura pressed his forearm against the back of Sugawara’s head, now practically laying on top of the other to keep him from doing any more damage to himself. "I can't do this alone, Suga, I'm sorry."

With that said, he used his free arm to reach for the cellphone on his pocket. Down the contact list, fighting to keep his balance and flinching at each new kick to his legs, A... A... Azumane Asahi.

"Asahi, I need you to come right now, ok? It's an emergency. No, that's why I need you to come. You know where my spare key is, right? Yeah, right there. Lock the door and bring the key to me after you come in. Hurry."


	5. Chapter 5

"You can't tell anyone..." Sugawara whimpered, knees squeezed tight to his torso and back shivering against the tile wall as he watched his friends from the corner of the bathroom. "Please, please, you can't tell..."

His hand began to drop while he spoke, lowering the red-stained piece of paper he had been given. Sawamura sighed and left Azumane's side in the living room for a moment to hold the other's wrist and bring it back to his face.

"Hold this in place, Suga, will you?"

"Daichi" Sugawara clutched the other's shirt and stared at him through tear-filled eyes, face red and swollen, blood fresh and gleaming under his nose and down his lips and chin. "Ple... Please, please, you can't, you can't..."

He dropped his head and sobbed, crimson specks falling on the floor and staining his pants. Sawamura gripped his wrist with more force and guided it back to the nostril while pushing his other hand away.

"Just hold it, Suga. Can you do that?" he asked impatiently.

"Are you going to arrest me?" Sugawara squeaked, hand falling to the ground. "You are, aren't you?"

"Suga, keep it here" once again, Sawamura brought his arm back up. "Just keep pressing it."

"If you tell anyone, it will be on my record. I won't be able to lecture anymore! Ever" he sobbed heavily, tilting his head back so it rested on the wall.

"Honestly, I'm not sure that's a bad thing" he didn't try to contain thee rage in his voice. Sugawara hid his face behind his knees and sniffled, limbs shaking violently. "I'll go back there with Asahi now."

He didn't wait for the other's reaction and just went back to the living room, both the bathroom and the front door keys shoved deep into his pockets to keep the silver-haired man from running away or locking himself. Azumane fixed his posture when he saw him coming back and then leaned to the side slightly to check on the other, dry swallowing at the sight of his friend curled up in that trembling mess.

He was yet to process everything. Upon arriving, he ran to the bathroom and stood paralyzed by what he saw: Sugawara's bloodied face, his frame shaking in sobs under Sawamura's weight. A step back, a gasp, then five quick steps forward before he could kneel next to both; he was about to push Sawamura away when the latter turned to face him and explained in a single breath what was going on —something Azumane wouldn't have imagined in a million years, but that somehow a subconscious part of him seemed to have already expected:

"Suga is using."

Three words that echoed in his mind, that would echo in his mind for years to come, the scene in front of him suddenly in slow-motion. A sharp exhale, his knees gave in, he sat down in a heavy thud next to Sugawara.

"Is it true?" he had asked in a near-whisper, eyes wide and chest heavy. It was hard to breathe. "Suga, are you..."

Sugawara turned his face to the other side, facing the wall. Azumane exchanged a long, uncomfortable look with Sawamura, who explained how he found out.

That led them to were they currently stood: sat down side by side on Sawamura's couch, a laptop on his lap as they tried to understand what was going on with the other. _Cocaine, cocaine addiction, cocaine physical signs, cocaine abstinence symptoms_ , the list stretched down his search history, dozens of open tabs and each confirming what they suspected. Their friend, best friend, was addicted.

"What are we gonna do, Daichi?" Azumane ran his fingers up his forehead and down his hair. "You won't turn him in, will you?" Sawamura remained silent. "C'mon, please, you can't be seriously considering... It's _Suga_."

"Yeah, Asahi, don't you think I know that?" he hissed, eyes hidden by his palms that the moved down to cover his nose and mouth. "Fuck, fuck!" he stood up again. "I need to ask him some more questions."

"Maybe we should bring him here?" Azumane's expression softened, eyebrows brought together in concern as he watched his friend quiver and pull at his own hair. "He seems cold."

"I'll try" Sawamura didn't turn back to answer, already storming back into the bathroom and squatting. "Come on, up you go."

"Da... Daichi" Sugawara clung to the fabric of his sleeves. "I forgot something in my apartment. I need to go, please I will come back, I will I promise I will, but please I really need to go there, please..."

Sawamura sighed and kneeled so that they were on eye level.

"I don't believe you, Suga. I don't trust you."

Sugawara stared at him in disbelief, eyes filling back with hot tears. He swallowed and clenched his teeth, then tried to push the other away and kick his legs, only to be immobilized again.

"Are you really gonna try this again?" Sawamura groaned, muffling the other's yells with his hand. Once his lungs and throat were tired and sore, he began to give up and loosened up into the other's grip, nearly falling forward. "Ok, let's go to the living room now. Don't get any fucking ideas, the door is locked."

Sugawara nodded weakly and allowed the other to help him stand up, stumbling until he fell on the end of the couch —the same place where he would stay for the next couple of hours, whimpering and sobbing in fetal position while his friends did they research a few inches away. The only times when he would speak would be to beg: beg for them not to tell anyone, beg to go back to his apartment, beg them to believe he wasn't doing any drugs, beg for nothing in particular, just shakily repeating "please" in between sobs. After a while he finally began to answer the questions the others had been repeatedly making for hours:

"What exactly was it in your pocket?"

"Cocaine."

"For how long have you been using?"

"About four months."

"What have you used?"

"Just cocaine."

"How?"

"Just snorting."

"Never injection?"

"Only once."

"How long ago and why?"

"One month ago, and I was afraid someone would notice..."

"Like a kid from kindergarten" Sawamura scoffed. Azumane elbowed him, frowning heavily and shaking his head in disapproval. "Tendou is using too, right? He is the one who got you into it."

Sugawara didn't answer and tried to hide half his face under the pillow he had been clutching.

"For fuck's sake" Sawamura grabbed the pillow and threw it across the living room. "Just fucking answer."

"Daichi!" Azumane reprehended, then leaned forward to look at the clump of silver hair at the other end of the couch. "Suga, I know you don't want to get others in trouble, but we have to know. Please."

"Yes..." he sniffled, pressing his face against the couch as much as he could. "We did it together."

"Did he offer it to you?" Sawamura crossed his arms

"Yes."

"And why the f..." he swallowed and took a deep breath. "Why would you accept it? What's wrong with..."

"Let him answer, Daichi."

Sugawara shuffled in place again, almost fully facing the couch now, nose smashed against the cushion.

"We connected through mutual friends. We were all hanging out his one time and I told him some things, and after a while we began to talk more frequently and then he offered and I..."

"And you just decided to try cocaine?" Sawamura laughed painfully. "Suga, honestly, that won't do, you need to explain this whole situation better or it simply won't make sense."

"You can't arrest him, Daichi" Sugawara sniffled and ran his fingers through the patters of the fabric under him. "If you want to arrest me I can't do anything about it, but please just don't go after him..."

"Why?" Sawamura felt his body tremble with hate. "Why are you defending someone who ruined your life? Is he threatening you or something?"

"No..." he sobbed. "No, he isn't threatening me, and it's not his fault, it's mine, it's all mine, I did this to myself and he is not to blame."

"Yes, he is!"

"No, he fucking isn't, I'm telling you!" Sugawara propped himself up to stare at his friend. "Is it that hard for you to believe I could do something stupid and impulsive by myself? This isn't high school, Daichi, I'm an adult now, and I'm not your same fucking 'reliable' vice-captain and this isn't fiction, it is my life and _I_ screwed it up, not Tendou! So just fucking take me to the police station or whatever and lock me up for rehab for all I care, but don't try to put the blame on him because it was all me!"

They stared at each other in silence, Sugawara panting heavily and holding back on the sob wedged high in his throat.

"I'm not arresting you, Suga" Sawamura muttered as he broke eye contact to emptily gaze at his laptop screen. He was beyond exhausted. "And, honestly, I don't want to fuck up your chances of ever finding another job here."

"Then..." he fidgeted. "What will you..."

"We'll figure something out" fingers ran down his temples and rested atop his nose. "Look, I don't want to make it impossible for you to keep being a teacher, but I also can't put a child at risk. I need to know right now, and you better be honest with me because if you lie I will find out and I will turn you in: do you _want_ to recover?"

"What type of questio..."

"Just answer it, damn it!" he closed his fist. "Swear to me that you want to stop using, that you want to stay clean and recover."

Sugawara took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a few seconds.

"I swear it, Daichi" his voice cracked, tears once again streaming down his face. "I swear, I swear, I want to get better, I'll do anything..."

Sawamura sighed. That was step one.

"Classes don't return until next month, right?" the silver-haired man nodded. "Ok, so we have some time to get started. We need to get away from this town."

"What?"

"You said you'd do anything, I don't care what you have to tell your family, these are my terms: we are getting away for at least two weeks, from what we looked up that should be enough to get through the initial crash and the first stages of withdrawal. Then, we'll... we'll figure it out."

"That's your plan?" Sugawara leaned back.

"We don't really have a lot of options here, Suga. Or do you want to go to rehab and have that on your record forever?"

Sugawara held the other's gaze for a moment, his incredulous expression dissolving into tiredness. He nodded and let his head fall into his hands with an unsteady exhale.

"We..." Azumane began, making the other two turn to face him. "We could use my uncle's summer house. It's right outside Miyagi and surrounded by the woods. He usually stays there around this time of the year, but he's staying to take care of my cousin and her newborn, so..."

"That sounds great. We're leaving today, then."

"What?" both Azumane and Sugawara asked in unison.

"Yeah. I mean, Asahi you can come another day, but I'd really appreciate it if you could come already. Suga, for you it isn't optional. You'll take a shower and change, and we're leaving in two hours."

Silence fell upon them. Sugawara tugged at his own hair.

"I..." Azumane bit his lower lip. "I mean, I guess I can come. I just need to pack my bag and, well, ask to take the rest my paid leave now..."

"You don't have to, Asahi, leave some to spend with your family..."

"No, Suga, it's fine. I really want to be here for you, okay?"

"I'm so sorry... I feel awful" he whispered and swallowed dry, eyes full of guilt and embarrassment fixed on his own lap.

"Good. Just take this whole thing seriously so that our effort is justified, ok? I'll call my boss as well now. Suga, go shower and put all your clothes in the laundry basket. I'll take some clean clothes for you, and I'm packing for both of us."


End file.
